| Jan. 16th, 2005 @ 11:42 pm I opened Pandora's Box |
|---|
Current Mood:  Need a new life want to trade?
Why oh why couldn't I keep my mouth shut earlier? One of my sarcastic comments opened the floodgates at my mom's house earlier today. Perhaps I was tired, after all I spent the night there again and can never ever sleep well in my mom's bed. Last night was particularly bad as I hadn't planned on staying the night until it had to snow and drop below zero, so I didn't have any of my pillows, blankets, sheets, anything of familiarity. Then if my lacking in something to comfort me wasn't bad enough, I just had to think about really stupid things while I was in bed, it was driving me antsy and I didn't fall asleep til well after 5 AM, only to get up at 8 AM.
So being tired, although I've denied it all day long, I mean I don't feel tired but obviously I was. We were sitting around deciding what to do, getting ready to play a game, when my mom told me to go sit over by my brother and sisters cause she wanted to take a picture of the entire family together. So, being stupid and tired and not wanting my picture taken I responded with "I'm not part of this family."
My sister then wanted to play therapy session and they kept asking me why I didn't feel like I was part of the family. I didn't answer them, I don't have an open relationship with anyone in my family really, so I couldn't just unload in front of all of them. This did however cut me hard having to think about it. So I was on the verge of tears several times as I deflected questions and refocused on other people. My sisters ended up leaving to go out with a friend, so of course my mom had to ask all the same questions again and hug me and try and get me to open up. I still didn't, but I learned a few things in the process. Like she realized that I've been depressed since Elementary school. She has no idea why of course. She thinks it's something simple... I have no friends, I spend no time with the family, I'm overweight, I'm lonely, I'm upset about her divorce... I forget all of the reasons she came up with that I easily said no to.
Anyway, after it was all over I went and curled up on the couch and started thinking too much and started to cry silently. I'm still under the impression that I need to keep it in, or at least prevent me from having to answer more questions at this point in time. So for the rest of the day I've been an emotional wreck and having a hard time preventing myself from crying.
I can easily tell that today's little episode is going to make it hard going over there, just lead to more and more questions... maybe I should've just stayed home, because I'm nearing a nervous breakdown from keeping things inside. |
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arukei's journal
That means I'm aggravated!
WOW!
A bit off my rocker.